Idle Eye 18 : (Spread) The Love

Have I upset you? Have I? Come on people, let’s have it out: Stats were down this week after what was, it must be said, a very promising start which petered off to virtually bugger all as it progressed. Now, I don’t mean to insult your collective intelligence as I know full well that a healthy percentage of UK cognoscenti are already following, but this ‘ere blogging business is not a one way street. Sorry. Here’s the deal: I sit up all night once a week (or twice if the muse is off-duty) constructing a tightly-woven, semi-articulate drawl linking my own sorry existence with that of Nibs and the Idle Hour. Somehow I manage to make this amusing and/or poignant, depending on your viewpoint. On cue. And the only task I require in return is that you read the bloody thing and occasionally drop me a line or two in the comments section so that I know I’m not pissing my God-given talent up a wall. It’s not a huge ask, is it? Or am I missing something here? Help me out.

Hmmm… In retrospect, probably not the killer romantic opener I’d been planning for the 2012 Valentine’s post. You see, as usual I’ve been on the phone to Nibs, trying to sniff out the lowdown on what treats he has in store for you lovebirds out there. From what I can gather, it’s probably something along the lines of special menu, candlelight, attentive yet respectful staffing and no Techno. Or Hard House. Or Death Metal. (Personally, I think this is an oversight: We are living through difficult times, and the days of a half-carafe of Mateus downed to Renée and Renato are mercifully behind us). I had planned a majestic, almost cinemascopic opening paragraph alluding to the great lovers and those who have lived their lives as if each day was their last: Anthony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet, Bergman and Bogart, Frank and Betty etc…etc… From there I would make a contrived narrative leap over to Idle Hour Barnes where miraculously I would mirror these iconic figures with you lot, and this inexpensive literary technique would make you all feel a bit better about yourselves, thereby convincing you to spend a bit more money and consequently securing my position as a viable financial option. Yes, I was going to do all the above. I was. In spades. But then I saw the stats.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Oooh, get him! Has one bad week and he throws all his toys out.’ Well, no. I’m sorry, I thought we were all adults here and, frankly, that’s just a cheap shot. I expected so much more from you. And anyway, it’s not just about my so-called ‘bad week’, is it? It’s about love, it’s about respect and it’s about…er… Actually, screw it. It IS about my ‘bad week’. You want quality? Well, quality costs. And right here is where you start paying.

8 thoughts on “Idle Eye 18 : (Spread) The Love

  1. 2 things really..Engish wines, and comfy sofers..

    Is there any interest in stocking home-grown English wines in Barons Court? And secondly, where have all the comfy sofers gone at the Greyhound Rd campus? Can I assume they will be back in the Spring?

    Marcus N

  2. Marcus. Thanks for dropping by. Can’t see an issue with them sofas or stocking some good ole British wine. Why the hell not? But I’d check with Nibs first : He the man, I’m merely the remote puppet with a typewriter. Yes, it hurts..

    • Hello Ben. Welcome to the manor. Don’t worry, the IH staff and indeed Nibs himself are upstanding members of the community and will always make you more than welcome. Go on, give it a try. And as for myself, surliness and excess usage of grammar are merely a mask I wear to cover up a lifetime of saving kittens and making jam for the Women’s Institute.

  3. Not being a member of the collective intelligence or indeed the UK cogniscenti, coming as I do from the far flung outpost of Carlisle,I was nevertheless devastated to learn that you were feeling pissed off at the perceived lack of love and respect for your God given talent.I live a little out of popping in distance of your ,no doubt worthy establishment, or I would have bought you a drink to cheer you up.Instead I can only say that your erudite, witty and amusing ramblings are much appreciated and enjoyed by me,and I,m sure thousands of others.I know this reply is rather late and I,m sure you have recovered your equilibrium in the interim but I tend to read your bloody things in chunks of three or four at a time rather than weekly This is not out of disinterest or lack of respect, but because one little helping of your coruscating wit and wry humour per week is not enough. I like the bloody things in big chunks so that I can spend a spare hour savouring and appreciating your brilliance wisdom.I hope that,s enough grovelling to restore a little love and harmony to your literary soul. From her indoors big sister.She it was who put me on the path to enlightenment through these ere blogs.

    • Hello Sheila. How very good of you to drop in from’t North. And thank you for your kind words, unaccustomed as I am to receiving them. Now, if you don’t mind, I will take you up on that drink: They do tend to lubricate the pen, don’t you think? Any of the major carriers will do or I’ll accept Paypal as long as they don’t whack on a charge. Hate that..

      Readers, this comment is exemplary of what we are trying to achieve here. Sheila, contrary to what you are thinking, is not an imaginary person I cooked up in order to flatter my own ego. She lives, she breathes, she writes. And she lives in Carlisle, the most contented city in Britain according to the Rightmove property website. Now, using the above as a template, let’s see what you can come up with. Go on, dip your toes in: I don’t bite..

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