Idle Eye 39 : The Lon*** 2**2 Ol**pi*s™

Alright now, that’s enough. ENOUGH! The sinister orgy of branding masquerading as the Lon*** 2**2 Ol**pi*s™ has slapped me in the face one too many times and I have just hit my Michael Douglas in Falling Down moment. I tried to be good, I really did. Over the past few months I have learned to shore up my chakras when it came to vile mascots We**ock™ and Ma***ville™, to shrug off the utter chaos on the roads, to smile encouragingly at hapless joggers bouncing their way towards an early grave, even casting an inquisitive glance at the bizarre structures rising up around the Mall and St James’ Park which I pass every day. The risible logo no longer reminds me of Lisa Simpson giving head and I drew some not inconsiderable mirth from the G4S fiasco. All in all I have been coping pretty well. Thanks for asking.

However, (and here’s the rub), I draw a line at ‘restricted words’. Actually, screw it, I draw a line at the insane paranoia the big four ****ors™ have created, protecting their already saturated global coverage from small butchers shops in Dorset that presumed to arrange a string of sausages in the shape of the Ol**pi*c™ ri*gs™. And when it comes to the biggest of the lot, M*Dona**s™, you have to ask yourselves what exactly they so badly need protection from. It sure ain’t the public, because around every corner you turn, there invariably lurks a statistically obese brand fan squelching down on yet another B*g™ Ma*™ in flagrant denial of their forthcoming trip to the nearest NHS ticker unit. Perhaps, just perhaps, the brutal truth lies somewhere in the exclusion of competition:

If we just get rid of all the other players, maybe the gullible public will actually think our burgers are halfway decent. Because, God forbid, if they cottoned onto the fact that there are thousands of less corporate ways of enjoying wholesome food, (Mondays at the Idle Hour, for instance) they might, actually, stop buying ours. And we can’t have that.

The Lon*** 2**2 Ol**pi*cs™ will be ring-fenced alright, but not to keep out the suicide bombers, the ‘quiet loners’, the snipers, the deranged clerics or Black September. Not this time. Neither will it give much credence to the athletes who will have waited all their lives for those glorious few seconds of competition. Oh no. These gam*s™ are all about keeping the suits happy at the not inconsiderable expense of the general public. And no amount of monocular furry mascots can detract from that. Yes, it would be wonderful to have a level playing field where we could all choose what we ate and drank as we cheered on our respective nations. But dream on, my friends, dream on. And welcome to Britain, 2**2™…

11 thoughts on “Idle Eye 39 : The Lon*** 2**2 Ol**pi*s™

      • Unfortunately ‘breathing out’ is too closely associated with the Games and sport in general and therefore will be seen as an infringment on patent 1467854 until mid August. Feel free to breath normally after the games are over

      • Oh bollocks! But surely not ‘breathing out’ will, by default, turn me blue which is itself an infringement (patent 1496813) of Team GB’s allowed use of colour swatches. I’m getting confused, man…

    • It’s a minefield admittedly… Apparently if you clench your fist and raise your arm higher than a 45 degree angle while watching any of the events, it will be seen as support of the black panthers and you’ll be escorted out, sexually abused by a G4 trainee and banned from the rest of the games. You have been warned!!!

  1. I’m a bit worried about you Douglas.All this stress and pent up anger, understandable as it is, is not good for your blood pressure. I,ve got an idea to de-stress you, depending on how you view nature and wildlife. Why don,t you and any like minded friends take yourselves off to the wildflower meadow with your deck chairs and a picnic hamper full of lovely healthy salads and fruit,(I,ve got a glut of raspberries in my garden, I can send some down poste haste to help the cause).There you can all contemplate nature and watch the bees and butterflies cavorting among the wildflowers.This is guaranteed to leave you feeling warm and mellow towards all and sundry.Oops, spoke too soon. Is that the police charging over the horizon ,followed by a scrum of squaddies and coming in a distant third a G4 security guy? Grab the incriminating evidence of non-compliance foodwise and run Douglas run.You might even win a medal if you get a shift on.

    • Sheila. Thanks for popping by again. I know it’s hard, what with all that snarled internet traffic and the Ol**pi* lanes sitting there empty so your visit is all the more appreciated. And cheers for the tip, although I fear I am doomed to slug this one out from the eye of the storm. But don’t you worry about me, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve, I should coco. See that Jeremy Hunt and his bell end malarkey? And the flags business? See? Watch this space, my friend, watch this space…

  2. I hope you are not going to do anything silly with either bell ends or flags,could be very painful and Ursula wouldn’t want you to damage anything vital.Nevertheless I shall watch coverage with interest.If you do decide on some sort of lone protest, make sure that your bell end and flag stand out from the crowd.

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