Idle Eye 65 : The Mercy Dash

Ladies – This week, I’m afraid I’m going to have to drop my metrosexual guard. Sorry, but sometimes a man has to write what a man has to write. It’s mean and it stinks, but so did Clint and you liked him in spades.

Gents – If you’re lucky enough to be under forty, the following will not be applicable to you. My advice would be for you to either hang with the ladies until next week or read on and learn. If, however, you’re in the clan, I sincerely hope I can be of some assistance and perhaps any mutual pain shared can be mutual pain halved. I’m referring here to the perennial dilemma of any male of advancing years: The Mercy Dash. Back in the day, we could all skull a skinful, lose our wallets and/or keys in a Wetherspoons rest room, engage ourselves in a pathetic fight on the High Street and still make the last train home. And we still can, right? Wrong. Not any more. Picture this & weep:

It’s 7.15pm & you’re in the Idle Hour, squeezing in a sharpener. Just the one. You’ve had a text informing you that the dinner’s on. But, oh no! Jamie’s just got another one in and you need to milk him for info on his electrician. So you down it to be polite, but deep in your heart you know you’ve already hit your ceiling. And now, in the words of Irving Berlin, there may be trouble ahead. Yes, home is only three stops away but it might as well be on Jupiter for all that matters. Because you’re going to have to do the Mercy Dash. You know the one: When you’ve made it to within twenty metres of your own front door but the bladder thinks it’s already inside. So you pick up speed (not too much, you’ve been there before and remember what happened then) but this only exacerbates the problem. But if you slow down you’ve got a farts chance in a wind tunnel of making it to the bowl unscathed. The agony of choice, cut short by an unwelcome telegram from the crumbling infrastructure of your poorly architected damming. You break into a sprint, simultaneously attempting to release your keys from Ground Zero. And then, by some miracle of science that would have Brian Cox eating out of your hand, you find yourself in the Splash Bay, but even here your problems are far from over: Someone’s left the dump door down and your belt is on maximum hold. And you pray to whatever God you believe in, like one of Mel Gibson’s Aztecs or Gareth Gates, that you will not be forsaken at the eleventh hour. And He listens and He is merciful, as once again your golden arrow hits hard its porcelain target. And all is well with the world…

Ring any bells? Of course it does. See you in the traps on Boat Race Day and a very happy Easter to you all.

4 thoughts on “Idle Eye 65 : The Mercy Dash

  1. I think you should encourage our ladyfolk to read and learn. When there is no time to linger over “I’m home” pleasantries, and the apple of her eye makes a bee line for the smallest, it’s not out of momentary hostility or amnesia. It’s IMPORTANT

    • Dicky. I fear the gentler sex are unlikely to adventure into the dark mysteries of gentlemans plumbing. Yes, I know they claim to have our best interests at heart, but admission to the odd leak here and there is, in their eyes, tantamount to popping one foot into the grave. My advice would be to suffer the slings and arrows alone and continue with whatever spurious claim to superior masculine health you may have already started. And if you need support, we’re always here to help xx

  2. I have nothing to say about this article except that we will be seeing a lot more of this sort of thing when the Rolling ‘play’ Glastonbury. However, did you see this in Time Out last week
    specifically the gratuitous remark “Nigel isn’t a lover, he’s a drinker. He shouldn’t be chasing 25-year-olds in spangly dresses in Soho, but chasing beers in Barnes.”? And if so, perhaps a response should be considered, possibly military.

  3. Very true Guvnor!
    Unless you get caught ‘even shorter’ and have to hit the bushes half way back up the hill in Crystal Palace towards your gaff

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