Just off the blower from a feisty chat with our Nibs as per:
Nibs: I’ve got a subject for the blog.
Me: I’m halfway through one already. But thanks anyway.
Nibs: No, I really need you to put this in. Half the ****ers who booked for Mothers Day never showed and we were fully booked for a month previous. I’ve turned away over 200 potential punters and we still lost out. I’m livid. And if you ask them for a credit card they get on the horse. Now, make that funny.
Me: Well, bro, it’s not.
Nibs: I KNOW it’s not. That’s what I pay you to do.
Me: Hang on a moment. I’ve just spent twenty valuable minutes writing about how we track down Giles Coren using hunting as a metaphor, given it an hilarious punning title that includes his surname for search engine purposes, I’m balls deep in attempting to link you two bastards together and now you want me to bin the entire thing because you lost out on a few quid?
Nibs: Something like that, yeah.
Me: Ok. Maybe we could shoehorn the two together, something along the lines of Giles finding the blog because all writers google themselves and then feeling your pain about blowing out bookings as the main thrust.
Nibs: He wrote about exactly that in the Times on saturday.
Me: He what?
Nibs: Exactly the same. In his restaurant review. Check out the website.
Me: Perfect! I’ll start now.
Nibs: Tread carefully with Coren, though. I don’t want you buggering up any chance of a review just because you feel like taking the piss.
Me: I hear you, bro. But he’s no fool. I think he’d sniff out any whiff of sycophancy a mile off. Far better to have him riled than for him to think you’re fawning. Trust me on this.
Nibs: I’ll leave it in your hands. But what’s the title?
Me: I thought The Coren Nation was quite sassy.
Nibs: Yeah, I quite like it. But I’m not sure about the Nation bit. What’s the post got to do with the rest of the country?
Me: That’s not the point. It gets in Giles, and there’s a certain gravitas to it, particularly as it’s the Diamond Jubilee’n’all.
Nibs: What about ‘I Can See Four Giles’?
Me: Don’t think he wears glasses, bro.
Nibs: Well put something in brackets after, then. If you don’t like it you can always say it was my idea anyway.
Me: Ok. I’ll think of something.
Nibs: Call me back when you’re done. We’re fully booked again and I want to be sure the buggers actually show. Quite like ‘I Can See Four Giles’: Think you should use it.
Me: Done deal, bro. If you’re up to the wall can I post it anyway?
Nibs: Just promise me you’ll use the title.
Nibs: Thanks. It means a lot.
Me: I know…