Some of you may have noticed that I got a bit carried away of late, what with that Wimbledon, the Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics. It’s understandable, (I need to vent the ole spleen from time to time), but it’s not exactly what Nibs shells out for on a weekly basis. So, in the interests of fair play, I have decided to big up his little boozer in the style of another cultural phenomenon currently doing the rounds. Strap yourselves in, literature lovers, this week the Eye gets down and dirty with the unspeakable smut known in smart circles as ‘Pubby Porn’ (those of you of a weaker disposition may prefer to click away here):
Innocent Young Barmaid : Oooh, Mr Nibs! I’ve never worked in a pub before. And I’m so young and innocent, maybe you could show me how you pull that massive pump of yours so I can give all of your loyal customers the satisfaction they so rightly deserve.
Nibs : Yes, it is a magnificent beast, to be sure. And I am a masterful landlord, strong, handsome and yet curiously aloof. But just this once I shall assist you in your endeavours after which you’re on your own, love. Now, grasp the shaft with all those tiny, innocent fingers and pull down slowly until all that lovely frothy stuff comes out into the glass.
IYB : Oh my! As a young, innocent woman I can honestly say that your masterful teaching has unleashed my inner goddess. Never have I felt so vulnerable and yet so empowered. And still young and innocent.
Nibs : Hold up, I haven’t shown you how to unload the dishwasher yet.
IYB : Mr Nibs! No-one has ever taken me to such places. It’s making me go all funny down there.
Nibs : Ok, we’ll do the cellar next if you want. Now, we get most of our deliveries in through the rear. Is that something you’re familiar with?
IYB : Well, not exactly, but I’d be more than happy to learn. What with me being so young and innocent, like.
Nibs : Excellent. Most of the staff get the hang of it within a couple of days.
IYB : But I worry so, Mr Nibs! How does it all get inside?
Nibs : Don’t worry your pretty innocent head about that. It’s like the bloody Tardis in there, I should coco.
IYB : Now you mention it, it does all seem to fit in. Just perfectly.
Nibs : Oh, and have I told you about our magnificent burgers? Somehow we’ve managed to squeeze them into the nation’s top five?
IYB : Oh pleeeease! Tell me more! Every time you squeeze a burger a little piece of me melts inside.
Nibs : Think you’ll find that’s the cheese.
IYB : Oh, Mr Nibs, take me now! Hard, rough and up the M40!!!
Nibs : Yes, we need to do a run to Costco, you’re right. Is there anything else you’d like to slip in?
IYB : Sixty Kettle chips and a bag of night-lites?
Nibs : Thanks for coming in.