Broken Biscuits No.7.

Posted on November 7, 2016 by Idle Eye

Once more unto the breach, people of Hastings! BB7 is coming back atcha, because we love you to bits and you deserve it. This time, we’ll be at the Palace, right bang on the seafront (near the pier) and newly restored to its former splendour. Can’t wait!

We’ll be bringing Jenny Vegas with us (can’t keep her away), with her unique brand of celebrity culture gone a bit wrong, all squeezed into a character you can’t help falling for. Not quite sure how the Bernard Matthews Celebrity Tour of Norfolk is managing without her, but I’m sure we’ll get a letter soon. In blood.

David Quantick‘s back too! And we have it on good authority he’ll be doing a new piece called 20 Joan of Arcs By Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark. Anyone who was lucky enough to catch him last time will know that this is going to be quite something. Do not miss it; seriously.

And as if all this isn’t enough, we’ve managed to pull off something of a coup: The Magic Wizard (aka Dan Laidler) is going to out a few tunes for the first time ever. His work with Tiger in the 90s cemented his status as one of the UK’s most enigmatic singer/songwriters, and now he’s back. Thank the bloody lord, it’s been a long wait.

Yes, you’ll be getting the Windy’s Farm animations as well. And Idle Eye, now that we’ve worked out how to use the desk and put in funny noises. Also, this time we’ll have a proper compere! St Leonards’s very own Kate Tym has kindly agreed to step in and save me from embarrassing myself in public as per. Worth the ticket price alone.

So, all in all not a bad night out. It’ll be great, actually (I know we always say that but it’s true). See you there x

Broken Biscuits No.6.

Posted on November 3, 2016 by Idle Eye

And they just get better and better. Always lovely to do a gig in the manor but oh, Crystal Palace, you surpassed yourselves! Have a biscuit. Let’s break it down, because that’s what you know and love:

Sadly, Michael Legge couldn’t be with us for this one, but the unstoppable Jenny Vegas kindly agreed to take another day off her Bernard Matthews tour of Norfolk to join us once again. And this time, we got the full Manky Shanka, yes we did! God only knows how she manages to walk to Jobcentre Plus every morning.

Jenny Lockyer‘s hilarious, delicate and beautifully delivered songs ranged from a five-year-old’s wry observation of her mother’s appalling driving skills, to the quite brilliant Agnetta Askeholmen doing a ditty about a little dolphin and a magic fish; and anything in between. She’ll be joining us again in Bognor so if you missed this, for God’s sake get a train ticket now. Mmm, Southern.

Joe Duggan kicked off the evening leaving no stone unturned. I’ve tried to give a flavour of just how varied and powerful his work can be in the below edit, but to get the full hit you really need to be there in the flesh. He is blessed with not only the words, but also a voice that soothes on the one hand and kicks off with the other. An extraordinary talent.

Idle Eye went sonictastic for this one. Samples, vocal fx and not one but two wonderful guest speakers (Callum Hughes and Penny Capper) helped disguise shoddy writing and bullshit delivery from the main man. I’m seriously beginning to wonder why I continue to put on this utter no-mark; he’s a sad epitome of a waning talent, clinging onto the coat-tails of a rising star. Pathetic.

Next up, we’re back in lovely, lovely Hastings – 20th November at the newly restored Palace. Right on the seafront, right on the money. We’ll deliver, I swear to God. And if we don’t, Donald’s contact details follow below. Usually replies within 24 hours:

donaldrossskinner@notsurewhatsgoingonhere.co.uk

Broken Biscuits No.6.

Posted on October 16, 2016 by Idle Eye

I know I bang on about the respective BB line-ups a fair bit, but bloody hell, look at this one! This will be our third at leafy Crystal Palace’s fabulous Antenna Studios and sixth overall, so we’re pulling out all the stops:

Michael Legge, probably the most incandescent, sweary ambassador of our time, vegan killjoy and godlike comedy genius, will be treading the boards and slapping on the greasepaint. As if that isn’t enough, Jenny Lockyer, whose delightfully surreal characters have had me & Don (quite literally) wetting ourselves over the past few weeks, is up there too. Most probably with a guitar, to accompany her brilliant mind. And the magnificent Joe Duggan, without doubt Crystal Palace’s finest wordsmith, will try to pull us all back from the madness: tall order!

We’ve had the chat with Dan Laidler about Windy, who is fast becoming the unsung hero of these BB events, and we have it on good authority that more episodes are on their way. In the meantime, even if you’ve seen them before, give it up for what we already have . As our world slowly shrinks and the demons begin to take hold of the Free West, it’s comforting to know that a little black and white windmill and a Spanish tractor driver can make a difference.

That’s it for now. Hope to see some of you there on the 29th, but for those who can’t make it, we have two more shows before the year is out: 20th November at the newly restored Palace in Hastings, and finally at Bognor Regis’s fantastic SeaFiSh on the 15th December. Don said that if you come to both, he’ll play World Shut Your Mouth to your Nan on Christmas Eve at a venue of your choice. Naked…x

Broken Biscuits No.5.

Posted on October 15, 2016 by Idle Eye

4.5 hours in a Triumph Herald filled to the roof with kit was always going to be interesting, but oh was it worth it! Regather Works is a great venue, so perfect for our bizarre little cabaret. But bizarre doesn’t even begin to cover it – before we knew what was what, (A Whiff of) Chester Le Flange burst onto the stage, the man himself as the pope and accidental guitarist Ollie Quiche as the Test Card, and had a startled audience eating out of their hands by the end of their first number. No mean achievement.

In case we’d forgotten where we were, The Yorkshire Teabaggers let us know. In style. With innuendo, a pinch of smut and sweet, sweet harmonies. Lovely to catch up with David McClelland after a 30 year hiatus (hit the audio tag for more of his work with Idle Eye), and we were all treated to a drink on the boys after the set. Of tea, bless ’em! Tread with caution if you’re looking them up on the Twitter, mind.

And then there was Jenny Vegas. The inimitable standard bearer of celebrity culture, she has survived the mire of her dysfunctional childhood to become the Face of Dave’s Tyres, a recorded songstress (Only If You Care/Ooh Baby) and author of the bestselling novel Love and Nuts. There is no one quite like her, except off of the telly.

Idle Eye banged out the hits as per, because we have hits and we’re not afraid to use them. And Dan Laidler‘s Windy’s Farm, despite the palaver of assembling a screen the size of Wembley Arena, was riotously received again. People were crying; they were, they were. If you’re reading this, Dan, you know what to do…

We’re back on home turf for the next one: Antenna Studios, Crystal Palace on 29th October. With a line-up so skillz, you’ll never believe we didn’t resort to bribery or extortion. Because we did with the others x

Broken Biscuits No.5.

Posted on September 11, 2016 by Idle Eye

Right, in three weeks we pack our bags and head off to the amazing Regather Works in Sheffield. It’s small, very cool and we’re delighted they’ve agreed to put us on. This time, we’ve got Shane Doane from the unstoppable Everly Pregnant Brothers, giving it a bit of welly on the stand-up; the magnificent Jenny Vegas, who will somehow find time out from her gruelling tour of Norfolk turkey farms and the DHSS to be with us – for one night only; And The Yorkshire Teabaggers, featuring David McClelland (the erstwhile star of long-forgotten 80s c-movie Cut) will be doing summat we’re pretty sure is to do with that there Yorkshire. And, of course, the redoubtable Dan Laidler‘s cult animation Windy’s Farm will make its greatest journey yet. If you’re within a fifty mile radius, there are no allowable excuses. You heard it here first x

IE Audio 29 : The Wicker Man

Posted on September 4, 2016 by Idle Eye

Quality undercoat for exterior stone and wood. With Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet.

Idle Eye 189 : The Wicker Man

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Idle Eye

I was in Wickes on Croydon’s Purley Way the other day. Not somewhere I would normally frequent, but I needed a quality undercoat for exterior stone and wood, and the local options were beyond lamentable. Visiting one of these places is a bit like going to an airport departure lounge: the sheer scale intentionally dwarfs any notion you may have of thrift, as eight-wheeled juggernauts filled to capacity with power tools and decking thunder their way towards the checkouts.

I weaved through the aisles, keeping as low a profile as I could muster, but then I noticed a well-dressed man hovering uncomfortably in the distance. He turned, looked up and in a flash was standing next to me in front of the two pack epoxies. It was Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet:

Martin: Sorry to bother you, but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Me: I doubt it. I don’t come here very often.

Martin: No, not from here. Aren’t you that bloke who…

Me: Martin, keep your voice down! I’m trying to get this over with as quickly as I can.

Martin: Sorry. What are you looking for?

Me: Undercoat. For exterior stone and wood.

Martin: You’re way off base, mate. You’ll be after the Home Decorating section, it’s on the other side of the building. If you go down the end …hang on, let me take you.

Me: Thank you.

So Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet and I made our way across the absurdly complex labyrinth, stopping only for him to pick up a couple of shiny aprons from Kitchenware and a retractable chalk line set from Building and Joinery.

Martin: You’re probably wondering why I’ve got two aprons, aren’t you?

Me: To be honest, I’m not. But I reckon you share cooking duties with your partner, and that you’re probably a bit OCD.

Martin: They’re both for me, actually.

Me: Ah. Are you going to tell me or not?

Martin: Take a wild guess. Look at the colour.

Me: I really haven’t got time for this.

Martin: Bright metal. Quite valuable. Think Ancient Egypt.

Me: Gold?

Martin: Bullseye!

Me: So you’re about to buy two kitchen aprons that happen to be the same colour as your 1983 hit record? It’s a bit tenuous, Martin.

Martin: So what? There’s still a few people about who’ll get it. And anyway, what’s so special about your stupid paint?

Me: There’s nothing special about it at all. Except I didn’t have a hit back in the day called ‘Quality Undercoat for Exterior Stone and Wood’. And if I did, I probably wouldn’t be here now.

Martin: What about the chalk line set?

Me: Oh no…not True?

Martin: Oh yes.

Me: No one’s going to understand that reference. Even I’m struggling, and I work in the trade.

Martin: Yeah, whatever. Have a nice day.

And with that, he was gone. Still trying to figure out how he knows me, mind.

Broken Biscuits No.4.

Posted on August 29, 2016 by Idle Eye

Komedia Brighton, you are a one! We got ourselves proper scared about this, and it turned out to be brilliant, lovely and the best fun EVAH. Where to start, though?

With Joss and Nick Hollywood. Because they transformed the space into a Lynchian, dystopian playground of circus animals, 50s neon and technicolour weirdness, all spurred on by Joss’s extraordinarily eclectic playlist. The boy may be fifteen, but he has carte blanche to DJ at my funeral. I’ll be posting a short compendium of clips on the Facebook page soon, be sure to check it out.

And then the acts. Kate Tym was just superb – taking no prisoners as per, she kicked off about kids, sex, Joanna Lumley, death and Take That. In that order. There are no words. Except hers. Jules Oliver‘s subtly surreal, hilarious set (who else could segue a loathing of falconry into an Essex Brides Magazine party featuring Spandau Barry?) had us all wondering when she was gonna crack. Not once, not once… And James Cook rounded off the night with a truly inspired collection of songs from his solo career. Just himself, a laptop and two guitars. Wonderful stuff!

As for Idle Eye, I’d like to thank Kate and Louise Yates for turning a six post run into something far more entertaining, Donald Ross Skinner for letting me take a piss over his 80s credentials, and to all the friends, family and those I’ve yet to meet who made the trip and helped make the night what it was. Because it was really quite something.

Now, a few weeks to regroup and then we’re off to Regather Sheffield on the 2nd October for BB5. We have a line-up in place and once again, it will not disappoint. I’ll throw something up here when the flyers are done, but if you happen to be in the vicinity and fancy a (very big) laugh, put the date in your diaries. We’re going comedy-tastic for this one, which is appropriate: my worthless degree came from Psalter Lane x

IE Audio 28 : The Magic Roundabout

Posted on August 27, 2016 by Idle Eye

In which my potty-mouthed satnav tries to save me from Swindon’s finest.

Idle Eye 188 : The Magic Roundabout

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Idle Eye

Like any half-decent Englishman, I have learned, over the years, to accept and obey the traffic laws and by-laws dictated to us by criminals and lunatics in suits. I’ve been burned too many times now, and any fight I may once have had in the flower of my youth has deliquesced into a tragic slurry of sufferance. In my head, I remain a Knight Templar of fierce resistance; in reality, I’m that bloke who’s married to Hyacinth Bucket.

Anyway, for reasons completely beyond me, I was forced to drive into Swindon a few weeks ago. As I turned off the M4, I tried to remind myself of any saving graces it had to offer: I knew the band XTC came from there, and I found myself whistling Senses Working Overtime over the top of Radio 4 as the landscape morphed from remote pastoral beauty into a brushed aluminium and steel megalopolis. ‘No biggie’, I thought, ‘I can handle this.’ But then, as I mentally glossed over the brutal truth that was beginning to unfurl, everything ground to a halt. The satnav, which I had recently upgraded from a bossy American cartoon character into a satisfyingly British Jeeves, suggested ever so politely that I did a u-turn. Then ever so slightly less so. And then it really kicked off:

Satnav: Get the fuck outta here, dickweed!

Me: Listen, I’ve just paid an extra £40 for some manners and a posh voice. What’s going on?

Satnav: This is Swindon, man! It’s the wild fucking West! See that bitch coming up? See that? That’s the Magic fucking Roundabout, dude! No one gets out alive.

Me: Perfectly straightforward. If we simply obey the Highway Code and follow the signs, I’m sure everything will turn out just fine.

Satnav: Damn! I should kick your scrawny ass right down that motorway. TURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER AROUND NOW!!! Ain’t telling you again.

Me: I can see you’re upset. But it’s only a roundabout. And it’s not exactly Basingstoke, is it?

Satnav: Basingstoke’s got nothing on this. Do your research.

Me: I have. According to the Basingstoke Gazette, Brighton Hill and Thornycroft are the two most miserable roundabouts in Great Britain; particularly in rush hour.

Satnav: Yeah? YEAH??? Well, chew on this one – In 2009, the Swindon Magic Roundabout was voted fourth scariest junction in the UK by Britannia Rescue. And dangerousroads.org said it’s one of the most complex rotaries in the world. So fuck you.

Me: Where were the other three?

Satnav: It didn’t say.

Me: My money’s on Basingstoke.

Satnav: We don’t have time for this. You gonna turn around or no?

Me: It’s illegal to do a u-turn on the approach to a junction. You should know that.

Satnav: You brown-nosed, obsequious piece of shit. On your own head be it.

Me: Do you like XTC?

Satnav: They’re okay. Prefer their earlier stuff.

Me: Shall we put some on?

Satnav: As you wish, sir.

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