Tag Archives: Douglas John Thorp

Idle Eye 190 : The Big(ger) Picture

Posted on by
Reply

X:  2016 is coming to an end. I think it’s time you and I had a chat about what you’re doing.

Me:  Sure. What about it?

X:  Well, for starters, what exactly are you doing? A year ago you said you wanted to be a writer. Now it’s all about these shows and you haven’t written the blog since August. You need to be clear about your end goals because no one else is.

Me:  I wouldn’t worry about that. No one reads it anyway and I needed a breather.

X:  That kind of attitude will get you precisely nowhere.

Me:  I’m already precisely nowhere. Which is why I’m doing the shows.

X:  Okay, let’s take a different tack. Are you making any money from them?

Me:  Absolutely none. In fact, I fork out quite a bit to make it all happen.

X:  So what’s your projected business plan then? Because it’s not looking too crash hot at the moment.

Me:  I don’t have a business plan. Actually, that’s not true, I do: the plan is to keep doing stuff until something gives. Sort of like ‘paying your dues’ when you’re in a band.

X:  Bands don’t ‘pay their dues’ any more, for god’s sake! Your head’s somewhere in the 1970s. And if you don’t come up with something a little more concrete, so is your career.

Me:  I quite fancy a 1970s career, now you mention it. It was all a bit more clear-cut back then.

X:  If you’re not going to take this seriously, don’t come crying to me when you can’t pay the fucking bills.

Me:  All right, all right! Jeez! Well, the way I see it is as a package. The written stuff feeds the live stuff and the audio stuff, I get to meet some great people along the way and eventually I sell the concept.

X:  Who to? Santa? The Magic Fairy Godmother?

Me:  If you’re not going to take this seriously, don’t come crying to me when I can’t pay the fucking bills.

X:  I am serious. Who on earth is going to shell out for your ‘concept’, seeing as it’s doing so well right now?

Me:  Santa.

X:  And what if Santa only wants one of your acts? That Jenny Vegas, for example: you seem to be putting your back into that one.

Me:  You’ve just proved that my concept works in a single sentence.

X:  How exactly?

Me:  Because you mentioned Jenny Vegas.

X:  So?

Me:  Until today, she’s only been part of the shows. But now you’ve put her into the writing, and we’ll probably record this as well. And then I can sell it all on to Santa as a multimedia extravaganza and buy a house in Beverly Hills.

X:  You wrote this, not me!

Me:  Are you saying you don’t exist?

X:  You’re really not at all well, are you?

Me:  I’m fine. The back’s playing up a bit though.

Broken Biscuits No.8.

Posted on by
Reply

broken-biscuits-bognor-flyer1_dec_djt_hires-1 broken-biscuits-bognor-flyer2_dec_djt_hires-2

Last show of the year, so get yer ya-ya’s out and head off to the coast again! This time it’s at Bognor Regis’s magnificent SeaFiSh, the brainchild of Sean Bw Parker (who has kindly agreed to compere the evening) and inexplicably under threat from Arun District Council. It’s a venue that embraces all forms of the arts and is very much a cultural hive, so to lose it to jobsworths would be nothing short of criminal. Sean has set up a crowdfunding page here to help with legal costs, so if you can help in any way, please do.

Jenny Vegas and Jenny Lockyer are back for this one (in a curious J² BOGOF deal), and James Cook is flying in specially from Berlin to be with us once again – it’s not often you get to write stuff like this. Windy will be getting a look in as well, and the grapevine informs me that there will be a Christmas address, so Idle Eye will be digging deep to find something appropriate to the season. I know, I know. There may even be hats, heaven preserve us! All in all, not a bad way to end a particularly gruelling 2016, so very much worth making the trip for (unless you’re travelling on Southern, in which case we salute you and will arrange in situ councelling as you leave the train).

Broken Biscuits 8 – Fortifying the over forties for tea. I thank you x

Book Update No. 16

Posted on by
Reply

cover_mockup_2

lunar_twits mr_reynard tyranny_sex vox_humana windows_soul

Idle_Eye_postcard_web

Remember this? If you can’t, please allow me to bring you up to speed: almost exactly one year ago, following on from an intense yet successful Kickstarter campaign, Amateur of Life and Death was released into the world via my very own little publishing wing, Ward 10 Books. Twenty brilliant artists from disparate disciplines and locations all contributed two illustrations, it was beautifully designed by Ursula McLaughlin and it became a hardback as we raised £1000 more than I had originally pitched for. It sold quite a few copies to begin with, but then came the inevitable slowdown and the impenetrable wall of the big stores was never adequately scaled. This upset me at first, but it lead onto the alternative route I have adopted since April; live performance and the Broken Biscuits shows. Which I adore, but the book is still a very real thing, still available and I am immensely proud of it.

As we prepare to enter the season of goodwill, may I humbly suggest the above as an adequate token of affection for a loved one, a colleague, a pet, an accountant or anyone else who knows you. It is quite easy to wrap, has pictures if you don’t like the words, and it fits under most doors. Simply click on the link below and I will sign it & send it to whoever you wish. If the link doesn’t work, could you let me know in the comments please? I’m a bit shit at this stuff which is why I’m not rich.

I thank you x

paypalbutton BW

Broken Biscuits No.7.

Posted on by
Reply

broken-biscuits-hastings-flyer_nov_djt-1

broken-biscuits-hastings-flyer_nov_djt-2

Once more unto the breach, people of Hastings! BB7 is coming back atcha, because we love you to bits and you deserve it. This time, we’ll be at the Palace, right bang on the seafront (near the pier) and newly restored to its former splendour. Can’t wait!

We’ll be bringing Jenny Vegas with us (can’t keep her away), with her unique brand of celebrity culture gone a bit wrong, all squeezed into a character you can’t help falling for. Not quite sure how the Bernard Matthews Celebrity Tour of Norfolk is managing without her, but I’m sure we’ll get a letter soon. In blood.

David Quantick‘s back too! And we have it on good authority he’ll be doing a new piece called 20 Joan of Arcs By Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark. Anyone who was lucky enough to catch him last time will know that this is going to be quite something. Do not miss it; seriously.

And as if all this isn’t enough, we’ve managed to pull off something of a coup: The Magic Wizard (aka Dan Laidler) is going to out a few tunes for the first time ever. His work with Tiger in the 90s cemented his status as one of the UK’s most enigmatic singer/songwriters, and now he’s back. Thank the bloody lord, it’s been a long wait.

Yes, you’ll be getting the Windy’s Farm animations as well. And Idle Eye, now that we’ve worked out how to use the desk and put in funny noises. Also, this time we’ll have a proper compere! St Leonards’s very own Kate Tym has kindly agreed to step in and save me from embarrassing myself in public as per. Worth the ticket price alone.

So, all in all not a bad night out. It’ll be great, actually (I know we always say that but it’s true). See you there x

Broken Biscuits No.6.

Posted on by
1

broken-biscuits-antenna-flyer_oct_v3_hires-1 broken-biscuits-antenna-flyer_oct_v3_hires-2

I know I bang on about the respective BB line-ups a fair bit, but bloody hell, look at this one! This will be our third at leafy Crystal Palace’s fabulous Antenna Studios and sixth overall, so we’re pulling out all the stops:

Michael Legge, probably the most incandescent, sweary ambassador of our time, vegan killjoy and godlike comedy genius, will be treading the boards and slapping on the greasepaint. As if that isn’t enough, Jenny Lockyer, whose delightfully surreal characters have had me & Don (quite literally) wetting ourselves over the past few weeks, is up there too. Most probably with a guitar, to accompany her brilliant mind. And the magnificent Joe Duggan, without doubt Crystal Palace’s finest wordsmith, will try to pull us all back from the madness: tall order!

We’ve had the chat with Dan Laidler about Windy, who is fast becoming the unsung hero of these BB events, and we have it on good authority that more episodes are on their way. In the meantime, even if you’ve seen them before, give it up for what we already have . As our world slowly shrinks and the demons begin to take hold of the Free West, it’s comforting to know that a little black and white windmill and a Spanish tractor driver can make a difference.

That’s it for now. Hope to see some of you there on the 29th, but for those who can’t make it, we have two more shows before the year is out: 20th November at the newly restored Palace in Hastings, and finally at Bognor Regis’s fantastic SeaFiSh on the 15th December. Don said that if you come to both, he’ll play World Shut Your Mouth to your Nan on Christmas Eve at a venue of your choice. Naked…x

Broken Biscuits No.5.

Posted on by
Reply

broken-biscuits-sheffield-flyer_oct_v2_hires-1

broken-biscuits-sheffield-flyer_oct_v2_hires-2

Right, in three weeks we pack our bags and head off to the amazing Regather Works in Sheffield. It’s small, very cool and we’re delighted they’ve agreed to put us on. This time, we’ve got Shane Doane from the unstoppable Everly Pregnant Brothers, giving it a bit of welly on the stand-up; the magnificent Jenny Vegas, who will somehow find time out from her gruelling tour of Norfolk turkey farms and the DHSS to be with us – for one night only; And The Yorkshire Teabaggers, featuring David McClelland (the erstwhile star of long-forgotten 80s c-movie Cut) will be doing summat we’re pretty sure is to do with that there Yorkshire. And, of course, the redoubtable Dan Laidler‘s cult animation Windy’s Farm will make its greatest journey yet. If you’re within a fifty mile radius, there are no allowable excuses. You heard it here first x

IE Audio 29 : The Wicker Man

Posted on by
Reply

Quality undercoat for exterior stone and wood. With Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet.

Idle Eye 189 : The Wicker Man

Posted on by
Reply

I was in Wickes on Croydon’s Purley Way the other day. Not somewhere I would normally frequent, but I needed a quality undercoat for exterior stone and wood, and the local options were beyond lamentable. Visiting one of these places is a bit like going to an airport departure lounge: the sheer scale intentionally dwarfs any notion you may have of thrift, as eight-wheeled juggernauts filled to capacity with power tools and decking thunder their way towards the checkouts.

I weaved through the aisles, keeping as low a profile as I could muster, but then I noticed a well-dressed man hovering uncomfortably in the distance. He turned, looked up and in a flash was standing next to me in front of the two pack epoxies. It was Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet:

Martin:  Sorry to bother you, but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Me:  I doubt it. I don’t come here very often.

Martin:  No, not from here. Aren’t you that bloke who…

Me:  Martin, keep your voice down! I’m trying to get this over with as quickly as I can.

Martin:  Sorry. What are you looking for?

Me:  Undercoat. For exterior stone and wood.

Martin:  You’re way off base, mate. You’ll be after the Home Decorating section, it’s on the other side of the building. If you go down the end …hang on, let me take you.

Me:  Thank you.

So Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet and I made our way across the absurdly complex labyrinth, stopping only for him to pick up a couple of shiny aprons from Kitchenware and a retractable chalk line set from Building and Joinery.

Martin:  You’re probably wondering why I’ve got two aprons, aren’t you?

Me:  To be honest, I’m not. But I reckon you share cooking duties with your partner, and that you’re probably a bit OCD.

Martin:  They’re both for me, actually.

Me:  Ah. Are you going to tell me or not?

Martin:  Take a wild guess. Look at the colour.

Me:  I really haven’t got time for this.

Martin:  Bright metal. Quite valuable. Think Ancient Egypt.

Me:  Gold?

Martin:  Bullseye!

Me:  So you’re about to buy two kitchen aprons that happen to be the same colour as your 1983 hit record? It’s a bit tenuous, Martin.

Martin:  So what? There’s still a few people about who’ll get it. And anyway, what’s so special about your stupid paint?

Me:  There’s nothing special about it at all. Except I didn’t have a hit back in the day called ‘Quality Undercoat for Exterior Stone and Wood’. And if I did, I probably wouldn’t be here now.

Martin:  What about the chalk line set?

Me:  Oh no…not True?

Martin:  Oh yes.

Me:  No one’s going to understand that reference. Even I’m struggling, and I work in the trade.

Martin:  Yeah, whatever. Have a nice day.

And with that, he was gone. Still trying to figure out how he knows me, mind.

IE Audio 28 : The Magic Roundabout

Posted on by
Reply

In which my potty-mouthed satnav tries to save me from Swindon’s finest.

Idle Eye 188 : The Magic Roundabout

Posted on by
Reply

Like any half-decent Englishman, I have learned, over the years, to accept and obey the traffic laws and by-laws dictated to us by criminals and lunatics in suits. I’ve been burned too many times now, and any fight I may once have had in the flower of my youth has deliquesced into a tragic slurry of sufferance. In my head, I remain a Knight Templar of fierce resistance; in reality, I’m that bloke who’s married to Hyacinth Bucket.

Anyway, for reasons completely beyond me, I was forced to drive into Swindon a few weeks ago. As I turned off the M4, I tried to remind myself of any saving graces it had to offer: I knew the band XTC came from there, and I found myself whistling Senses Working Overtime over the top of Radio 4 as the landscape morphed from remote pastoral beauty into a brushed aluminium and steel megalopolis. ‘No biggie’, I thought, ‘I can handle this.’ But then, as I mentally glossed over the brutal truth that was beginning to unfurl, everything ground to a halt. The satnav, which I had recently upgraded from a bossy American cartoon character into a satisfyingly British Jeeves, suggested ever so politely that I did a u-turn. Then ever so slightly less so. And then it really kicked off:

Satnav:  Get the fuck outta here, dickweed!

Me:  Listen, I’ve just paid an extra £40 for some manners and a posh voice. What’s going on?

Satnav:  This is Swindon, man! It’s the wild fucking West! See that bitch coming up? See that? That’s the Magic fucking Roundabout, dude! No one gets out alive.

Me:  Perfectly straightforward. If we simply obey the Highway Code and follow the signs, I’m sure everything will turn out just fine.

Satnav:  Damn! I should kick your scrawny ass right down that motorway. TURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER AROUND NOW!!! Ain’t telling you again.

Me:  I can see you’re upset. But it’s only a roundabout. And it’s not exactly Basingstoke, is it?

Satnav:  Basingstoke’s got nothing on this. Do your research.

Me:  I have. According to the Basingstoke Gazette, Brighton Hill and Thornycroft are the two most miserable roundabouts in Great Britain; particularly in rush hour.

Satnav:  Yeah? YEAH??? Well, chew on this one – In 2009, the Swindon Magic Roundabout was voted fourth scariest junction in the UK by Britannia Rescue. And dangerousroads.org said it’s one of the most complex rotaries in the world. So fuck you.

Me:  Where were the other three?

Satnav:  It didn’t say.

Me:  My money’s on Basingstoke.

Satnav:  We don’t have time for this. You gonna turn around or no?

Me:  It’s illegal to do a u-turn on the approach to a junction. You should know that.

Satnav:  You brown-nosed, obsequious piece of shit. On your own head be it.

Me:  Do you like XTC?

Satnav:  They’re okay. Prefer their earlier stuff.

Me:  Shall we put some on?

Satnav:  As you wish, sir.